Dizzy Bird Syndrome?
BY BILL LEEMAN
Thanks to C. W. Nevius, esteemed columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle, we have learned that the proposed renovation of the Beach Chalet soccer fields most likely WON'T happen after all.
The plan was to renovate some existing soccer fields using artificial turf, thereby saving the City untold thousands in construction costs, and even more on water bills and maintenance. The money to do this was in place, having been donated by philanthropists. We'd be able to add thousands of hours to the playing time for sports teams. Great concept, eh?
You knew it wouldn't happen. Remember, this is San Francisco.
Whoa, up pops the Feathered Friends Preservation Society with alarming charges: The lights from the soccer fields could make birds dizzy.
Oh, my Geeeyod, sound the alarm!
Call your friends, get some petitions going, we've got to stop this odious scheme.
Some one has to speak for the birds, don't they? I mean, they can't very well speak for themselves.
If they could, they'd probably be saying something like: "bleoghch mmthghcetchk" (remember, they're birdbrains).
But I digress.
The good citizens of the Bird Protection Alliance have spoken. Not only have they spoken up against this proposed outrage, but soon, I'm sure there will be a call to put out all the lights on all playing fields at night. Of course that would include A.T. & T. Park and Candlestick as well. No more night games for the 49ers or the Giants. It's only right, is it not? I don't know about you, but I sure wouldn't want to take the chance that a bird may become dizzy.
We should probably cut off the street lights, as well. Maybe even ban driving at night. As a matter of fact, we should probably all go inside at dusk, and go to sleep, having made sure that no lights anywhere are turned on, so that the birds can fly unencumbered to and fro without having to worry about dizzy spells.
I, for one, can rest easier in the knowledge that the Avian Defense League is ever vigilant to the plight of bird dizziness.
You know, in most jurisdictions across this great country of ours, these people wouldn't be given the time of day. But not here, in San Francisco.
Some would call it 'tolerance', or 'acceptance'.
I can think of some other words that would fit even more appropriately. Can you?
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