View from the Couch

BY SCREAMIN' LEEMAN

There is an alarming trend that seems to be catching on in Major League Baseball these days, a trend that I'm hoping will go away before it takes root.  

No, it isn't being strip searched at the gate, or paying nine dollars for a beer.  

It is giving the foul ball that you just caught to someone's darling little child.

Not your own child, mind you, but someone's.  Anyone's.  Just as long as it is a child, preferably the smallest available, who doesn't have CLUE ONE about what is going on, and it's just, "Here, kid, take the ball."

Are you kidding??

I've been going out to the ball park far too many years to count, and you want me to give my foul ball to some sticky-fingered little drooler who doesn't even know why he's there?

I think not!

Don't get me wrong, I love the little tykes, most of them are too cute for words.  But, as there is a time and a place for everything, this is not the time, nor is it the place.

Catching a foul, in my opinion, is an enviable trophy, and it only happens to a select few.   Very rare.   Most people never get a chance, ever.  So, it's a big deal.   And you expect me to hand it over to the nearest ankle-biter on the premises?  

Yeah, sure.

I see these guys, catching fouls, then looking around the stands, searching for the smallest child walking, so they can hand the ball over.   And of course, it doesn't matter whether or not the child even knows which way is up, it's just "Here, this is for you..."   

What in the thundering tarnation...?? 

Will this kid come to expect this to happen every time a ball lands nearby? 

Of course.  

Do these blowhards think they're going to get a foul every inning?

Probably. 

Is it merely a ploy to impress their girlfriends?  

Hey, Mister Philanthropy:  Give HER the ball if you want to impress her.  

Sheesh.

Oh, sure, it is nice, and cutesy, and heartwarming, and lots of other sweet, wonderful and wholesome things, but when I get one: I DON'T THINK SO!

I can only hope that when I get mine, it will be at a night game on a week day, when most self-respecting kids are home in bed where they belong.  Because there's no way I'm parting with it.  To some strange kid that I've never even met?   No chance, I'm keeping what is rightfully mine.

So, unless I bring the little tyke with me (so I can take it back later), I won't be giving the ball to any child; cute, young, old, or whatever.   And that's that! 

ARE YOU WITH ME?  WE'VE GOT TO BUCK THIS TREND BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

And thank you for listening.