Frontpage Features

BY RICK TITTLE

A contrite and apologetic Gilbert Arenas is now quite sorry that he brought four handguns into the Washington Wizards locker room.  In fact, this week he mentioned that he owns “500” guns.  Hmmm.  500…really?   That’s 498 more guns than were present at the Hamilton/Burr duel.  In other words, that’s too many guns.  But surely he must be exaggerating, right?  I don’t even think the London Metropolitan Police Department possesses 500 guns.

But we really shouldn’t be surprised.  NBA stars have long been famous for their embellishments.  Wilt Chamberlain bragged about having bedded 20,000 women in his lifetime.  I worked out those figures on my calculator, and it states that if Wilt had been with a new girl every day for 50 years, it would still far short at 18,250.  If Wilt had simply said “a thousand” women instead of his outlandish total, we would have just gone along for the ride and believed him.  Yet he couldn’t help himself because he was a member of the NBA: the National Bragging Association.

So Agent Zero has an arsenal.  Taking a step back and looking at things more closely, I can see his reasoning.  He needs a .44 magnum for the punks that keep breaking into his mansion.  He needs a Glock because it’s plastic like his childhood toy guns.  He needs a Berretta 9mm just “to keep it real.”  He requires the use of an Uzi to fight off terrorists.  He must have a Maxim gun for the WWI trenches on his estate.  He keeps a Brown Bess by his bedside to ward off Redcoats.  He muzzle-loads a fusil every night in case Napoleon marches in.  He packs a snub-nosed .32 to feel like a member of Charlie’s Angels.  He has an AK-47 to match Justin Fargas’s tattoo.  

He mounts a harpoon gun to his roof to repel land-whales.  Arenas cannot do without a Derringer – it fits too nicely in his clutch purse.  He also keeps a fully-loaded double-barreled shotgun under his bed – you never know when a flock of geese might fly through his bedroom.  He never goes outside without a Gatling gun, in case the Sioux surround his SUV.  He carries a 30-ought-6 with him his whilst skiing, if perhaps there’s a Yeti sighting.  He also never goes to the bathroom without a cannon –he’s petrified that the Tidy Bowl Man might sail by. 

He also owns a stun gun, a nail gun, and 40 Gundam figurines, but those don’t count.  Gilbert Arenas: basketball star and role-model for every militant dissident.  Something to be proud of, for sure.

Rick Tittle can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it