Frontpage Features

BY WILLIAM MORRISS

Injuries play a dramatic role in baseball’s history. Remember Kirk Gibson hobbling to the plate to hit a game winning home run in the 1988 World Series? And,  Aaron Rowand breaking his nose after running full speed into the outfield fence to make a catch? And how could you forget Curt Schilling’s bloody sock? Then there’re injuries like the one suffered this weekend by Angels’ first baseman Kendry Morales, who while celebrating a walk off grand slam landed on home plate awkwardly and broke his leg. These are the injuries that make us say, “Aren’t you supposed to be a world class athlete?”

Crazy injuries are not uncommon in baseball. Cubs’ pitcher Ryan Dempster broke his toe last year trying to jump over a dugout fence to celebrate a win. Hey Ryan, why don’t you leave jumping to basketball players? Mr. Steroid himself, Sammy Sosa, wasn’t immune to these kinds of injuries. Apparently juicing doesn’t prevent you from straining your back while sneezing, which Sosa did in 2004. At least his injury wasn’t preventable, unlike the one John Smoltz suffered in 1990. Smoltz earned the nickname “Iron Man” after burning himself ironing a shirt. Not that bad until you consider the shirt was still on him. His teammate Tom Glavine saw his injury and raised him one. Glavine broke two ribs while throwing up food he ate on an airplane. Food apparently is very dangerous when it comes to baseball players. Hefty former Giants outfielder Kevin Mitchell needed a root canal after eating a donut that he left in the microwave too long. The Braves' Ryan Klesko once pulled a muscle picking up his lunch. When your food is too heavy to pick up, maybe that’s a sign you need to go on a diet. Former Rangers’ pitcher Greg Harris strained his elbow flicking sunflower seeds in the bullpen. Some injuries are more relatable. You know that annoying shrink wrap on DVD packages that everyone hates? Former Padre Adam Eaton stabbed himself in the stomach while trying to open one of these with a knife. Mark Smith of the Orioles stuck his hand in an AC unit and cut his hand. Why? He was trying to “find out why it wasn't working.” And who hasn’t struggled trying to spread butter? Former Rangers’ outfielder Odibe McDowell cut his hand while trying to butter a roll at a team luncheon.

Some injuries are a bit more embarrassing than others. Ken Griffey Jr. once missed a game when his jock cup slipped and pinched a testicle. Diamondbacks catcher Chris Snyder fractured a testicle after a foul tip hit him in the crotch. Why a catcher wasn’t wearing a cup I don’t know, but maybe he heard about the Griffey injury and decided he was risking more with one on. George Brett had to deal with hemorrhoid problems during the 1980 World Series. Butt injuries, however, are no joke. After Nationals pitcher Jesus Colome went on the DL with a "soft tissue injury in a lower right extremity" then GM Jim Bowden tried to express the severity of the injury by saying "We pray for his buttocks and his family. I never had a player who had this problem before. It was a large buttocks problem." Bowden spent the next 15 minutes telling reporters “Stop laughing. I’m serious”

So next time your friends get on to you for hurting yourself playing video games, be sure to mention Detroit Tigers’ flamethrower Joel Zumaya who suffered the same fate after rocking out too hard on Guitar Hero. Because nothing says professional athlete like video game injuries.