Frontpage Features

BY RICK TITTLE

I recently made a television appearance on Comcast Sportsnet’s Chronicle Live, hosted by Greg Papa.  I had a great time and hope to be back on again soon.  But I do have to tell the story about getting make-up for the first time in my life.  The picture is of me after receiving my make-up, by the way.

Everyone who was on the show had to get make-up, so it wasn’t like it was just for me, thankfully.  (I might have been offended otherwise, like it was just for the ugly people).  The make-up artist was pleasant and lovely, which made the experience painless, but I do have to say that about 45 pounds of make-up was used on my face.  I think corpses in open caskets have less make-up than I did.  I asked not to break the record for most make-up ever used.  Tammy Fae Bakker walked by and laughed at me.  My eyelashes had turned blonde, which meant to say that I was not…albino…enough. 

I had an air-brush used on me, which is the equivalent of being spray painted, only I came out a crispy brown instead of having “Your Mama” written on me.  Gazing at myself in horror during a private moment in the bathroom, I figured I could either go ahead and do the show or perhaps run out onto Third street and do a one-man Mark Twain performance.  I chose the former.  Yet during a commercial break, more make-up was applied to my ultra-shiny forehead.  Apparently incoming flights at SFO had complained about the glare.  I realized that it could have been worse, however.  No guy-liner or mascara was ever applied.  Greg might have said something to make me cry (like, “Raiders suck!”) and then the waterworks would have ensued.  Then I would have looked like my junior prom date after I told her that we were out of gas.

After the show, I ran to grab a few baby wipes from the greenroom and bring my old, terrible self back to reality.  The used baby wipes fell to the floor with a thud, caked with great clumps of hardened plaster.  I guess this is show bid-ness, huh?  Thank goodness being on the radio requires only a jock strap, tube top and headphones. 

Rick Tittle can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it